today notes

Went out and sat on the beach for a while, sitting under the beach brolly on the chairs... we sat there for about half an hour... and this guy came up to us and said that the chairs were $25 for the day. Holy moley! So he saw that I was drawing and I let him look at them...and said that was payment enough.

When scott and jess arrived not long after... we went shopping to the discount stores there. I was on a mission to find bathers, u think it would be an easy task right? Not when you weigh what I do. Oh well. I ended up with a pair of shoes and to compensate for not finding any clothes, i bought a green weekend bag for a bargain.

I did not want to go to I stayed here at the condo. I am feeling a little down right now, think its just my buzzin things in my ears. Im not sure what to do at times, just grin and bare it mostly that's all i can do. So I feel as if im living except perhaps its more existing. I am not sure. Trying to find a happy medium between the two.

I also been thinking about my past again. Especially my time at st georges rd... my time there was possibly the happiest ever. What changed? I changed. I miss having friends round for pot luck dinners and parties even for coffee.. I realise that living in Moe is not such a great choice but u make the best of wherever you are.
I miss melbs. So this is a candied trip down memory lane I suppose. I used to feel blessed and happy. I guess I turned my back on everything and everyone. Woe is me.

There is one thing i never let myself do.. and that is love someone and have them love me back. I thought at 21 that this guy in my gardening course was amazing.. he had a girlfriend , so i was always on the outside of that. He was beautiful and I couldn't tell him how I felt. It was pretty obvious to everyone around me though.

Going back another long time ago now, I had a guy i liked a lot... missed his train to Sydney to spend more time with me. Its like i couldnt see how pretty or beautiful I actually was back then. Not now. I have become what I have become. I don't see myself as pretty anymore, i don't feel beautiful and all in all i let myself go. So that's why I am mad and angry with myself. Regrets of the past. Trying to shape my future is tricky at this point I just want to give in. I am going to go now. Find solace in drawing.